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Shitfaced Shannon O'Malley's Advice for Swingin' Singles
The Monkey Box is pleased to welcome Shitfaced Shannon O'Malley as our newest columnist. We hope our readers who are looking for love will find Shannon's advice useful and insightful.
DEAR SHITFACED SHANNON:
Sincerely,
I’m not bad looking and I’m an okay conversationalist, so why can’t I seem to find a boyfriend?
Whenever I meet a guy, he’s either unavailable or he doesn’t like me or there’s something wrong with him. How can I get a boyfriend?
Lonely in La Verne
DEAR LONELY:
I dunno why everybody’s always talking about how hard it is to find a boyfriend cuz sometimes I even find ’em when they don’t wanna be found, like one time I was at my ex-best friend’s Stacy’s house (she’s my ex-best friend cuz she’s a total whore and like totally slept with my ex-ex-boyfriend, I think) anyway so I was at her house and this guy comes in with a pizza, cuz we ordered it and I took off my top (I was so totally drunk) and he was like, “you wanna go out?” and I’ll never say no to a free dinner, right, so I went out with him and, like, instant boyfriend! Here’s what you gotta remember, Lonely.
If you’re going to a bar, you gotta dress like you’re looking for a man, not like you’re going to some square dance at a company picnic and you gotta let the girls hang out and rock your tush like it’s a Macy’s mutherfriggin’ float. If you dress like a librarian, he’s gonna wanna rent books from you and I know cuz I went out with this really rich lawyer guy last week and I wore that black bra with the pointy things that Madonna wore in her video in like the 80’s and he totally told me he loved me. For some girls, it takes weeks to hear a guy say that stuff and yeah, yeah, I know he hasn’t called me since then, but I got to ride in a limo!
But most important is that you gotta write down his number, cuz guys don’t call! Even a few times I had guys tell me they put my number in their phones, but then I steal their phones when they go to the john and they totally didn’t enter it. Guys can be really dumb like that and I know cuz I’ve gone out with a lot of them so you gotta call him a lot so he’ll go out with you and take you to dinner and stuff. Then you got yourself a boyfriend! Okay, I gotta take a leak.
Shannon's Anti-Sobriety Kit , is available wherever fine anti-sobriety kits are sold.
Funniest Thing I Ever Saw
Let me set the stage…
My wife is a way crazy exhibitionist, especially when she's shitfaced. She decided one night to serve my buddies and me a pizza in the nude. We were playing Xbox in the party room, when down the stairs she came singing "I am Woman, hear me roar." My darling bride was so smashed that she tripped halfway and tumbled down the remaining steps, boobies jiggling and ass smiling the whole way. The pizza went flying, literally stuck to the opposing wall and slowly slid down to the floor, right on top of my beautiful, mortified, and oh so naked wife. My friends and I couldn't stop laughing for days!
Dough